I sometimes wonder how I got to where I am now: a senior in college, engaged to an amazing guy who decided to spend his summer on the other side of the country, and taking 9 credit hours while working nearly 40 hours a week.
Some people call me crazy. They worry and scold, saying "What are you doing? Are you crazy?" The truth is, no, I'm not. I'm smart. Well, at least in my mind. You see, everyone is different, and handles things different ways. For me, this is the best way to handle my situation.
My fiance is far away and, being with his family, he is often busy with life and other things that are more meaningful/important than being on the phone with me. After all, there are only so many ways that you can describe how you tripped over a turtle on the way to school. I'm glad that he's home with his family, keeping his mom company while his dad's off in Iraq, and relishing the last few months of single life.
But in the meantime, what am I supposed to do? I've taken the advice of church leaders and my knowledge of myself, and formed a Spring Term plan that'll get me through till the summer at least. Church leaders have said we should not put our life on hold or let it stop at a stand-still just because we are waiting for someone else. We need to get on with our lives: imporve ourselves in the best ways that we can, and then there will be more of us to love, instead of less to appreciate.
I am one who does not do well when I am lonely and have a lot of time to think. I withdraw into myself, and though it is not viewed within me as pity, I pity myself: my situation, my sorrow, etc. When in reality, the life I have is not that hard. I'm not starving, I haven't forever lost a person that means a lot to me, I'm not struggling too much with my self-identity. I actually have a life that I've longed for, and that could be considered enviable by many. And so, I decided that this time it was going to be different.
I have an English minor to finish, I told myself as I was reflecting on my love leaving me for 4 months. And I can get a job to make our lives easier in the future. Of course, it's always a struggle in Provo to find a job that will allow me to work, and go to school, and survive on the pay. Well, I now have one -- two actually -- that provide me with just that.
However, that blessing requires a great deal of discipline in order to maintain it as a blessing. I go to school from 8:15-6:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I work my jobs on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. What do I do with my spare time? Well, homework....and talk to my fiance. If I slack off on my homework even for an hour, I could fall irreparably far behind.
I actually enjoy this lifestyle. Of course, it is only endurable because I know it will only last a total of 7 weeks; but being busy and having a rigorous schedule helps me get an enormous amount of things done: more than many people think is humanly possible.
This is why I was surprised, confused, and a little hurt when I was pulled aside by my professor after class this morning. Without really looking at me, he asked "Are you doing okay? Are you alright?" Surprised, I said, "Yes." He mentioned how he had noticed that I wasn't as sociable as I was on the first day, that I seemed withdrawn behind my computer-screen to the edge of the classroom.
Well, it is true I sit on the side of the classroom with a computer -- I learned long ago that when taking notes in a class where the teacher says a lot, and it is all meaningful, you should bring a computer or agree to open the door for tendonitis. As for being on the side of the classroom, that has less to do with my desire to participate in the class than the fact that there is an outlet in the wall there. I sat there the first day as well.
The part that has caused me reflection is whether my rigorous schedule has affected my interaction with others in a negative way. I know I have less interaction, since every spare moment is given to my homework, the supply of which is never-ending. But, I try to keep the interaction that I do have with people upbeat and a contribution, rather than negative or flippant.
I hope that I can still have a positive impact on the social world despite my efforts to use my time to the utmost in relation to the demands of scholarship while I work full-time.
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